A Crisis of Belief
It has been a sombre week both for the world and for myself. I am sitting nursing feelings that don’t feel good.I feel as if I am stuck in a time warp and that whatever I try to do to climb out of this has no effect; I just cannot change things.
My Core Energy Technique helps to make it a bit more bearable but it is not moving things along. I cannot understand this. Now I find myself questioning the concepts I have held to for so long about spirituality.
What if there is no spiritual realm? My brain is whirring.
This week there has been the suicide of Robin Williams and also the suicide of an unknown person in Edinburgh. We saw the yellow police tape ominously fluttering in the wind at the Bridges, stopping the traffic and pedestrians from entering the area. It must be a “jumper” we thought , and we were proved right. It is strange being present to the awful drama that has been someone else’s anguish. With astonishment I learned later that people had written into a local newspaper complaining that the incident had been a bother for disrupting their normal routes home. They thought the person committing this act of desperation had been very “selfish”. Words fail me. Apparently such similarly sub-human comments had been aimed at the daughter of Robin Williams about her father’s suicide. The crisis in Iraq shows an even more horrendous level of sub-human activity. These Islamist militants are not only a killing cult but are also a torturing one, raping and selling women and children into slavery.
What is it, if anything, that is giving shape and sense to our world? This is what is giving me so much pain at the moment. I cannot seem to find a format. There are people who are comfortably working and living and expressing themselves with enjoyable conviction. Equally, there are other people struggling to make a living and who are possibly getting up each morning facing the day without any hope of change in their misery making circumstances. Also what about the many who have nowhere to live, having been hounded out of their homes by armed militant fundamentalists.
Why are these differently downtrodden groups of people having to live such a life?
Why are they keeping going?
How do they keep going?
How do you live in such misery?
How do you live with the pain of no hope of change?
In the past this is where I would very comfortably fall back on the belief of a spiritual level to help those who are able to “let go into acceptance”. The suffering which I am feeling right now won’t let me have this easy way out; I think there has to be another level from which understanding will once again flow for me. Until it does, I must go on living with this discomfort of jumble and blind alleys.
My only belief is that almost of an existentialist nature at the moment. This translates as ….I am conscious therefore I stay present with that consciousness and let it inform me in whatever way it is able. It is step by step as I let my feelings connect with my mind and let that connection birth the next moment of understanding, and so on and so on. It is as if I am having to keep the brakes on at every moment there is movement as I stay with the realness of each moment rather than sink into old thought precepts.
Perhaps there is no format . I see the world as a seething mass of energy with which we are connecting very little. Instead we are busily working a minuscule corner of it thinking this tiny bit is what is all important and those who are apparently the most “successful ” are those who are best at make believe.
Somehow my experience of suddenly having no format to fall back on, feeling the pain of no certainty, has opened my eyes to a different world. This world is one that is strangely free of set patterns and compartments and narrow ideas of success or failure. There is much more at stake; there is a greater reality to open up to now.