Well, I have thrown away my crutches of set beliefs…and I am still standing. The thing is that I didn’t know I was using crutches, but what I did know was that something wasn’t right.
I felt blocked even though I was doing everything so-called right.
I was doing my daily meditation,
thinking the “right” thoughts,
having bits of fun,
but none of it was quite hitting the spot.
I suppose I was mechanically going through the motions and
living for the moments which felt more alive.
It wasn’t as if life wasn’t good ; there was nothing bad going on … it just wasn’t “clicking”. I just thought that somehow it would clear through, but I should have known that something stronger was required to break through this “stuckness”.
So the particular helper who came to my rescue was that of
D E S P A I R .
This pain was forcing me to see things differently.
Of course it is not easy to change and in my case , and in the case of many, it is eventually only pain which proffers itself as our helpmate. It is pain which can break through our “armour of the everyday” and is willing to lead us to a different place, if we will let it. Unfortunately, much of the world sees this as something to be avoided and doesn’t understand that we are able to be our own healers.
Instead then, anti-depressants are handed out to suppress these natural feelings
and
the word DEPRESSION is used as something at which to shudder .
I don’t know where this change is taking me but I know this is the only road I want to be on. Reading an interview with Martin Amis recently, I was struck by his earnest need to search for the true, stating that we need to recover an innocence and
“see things with our original eye … to retain your childish vision [and see] beyond the presented face of reality”.
We can only do this if we pay attention to our own feelings and trust them.
I am still standing against accepting any concept that I cannot feel is real. Every time I find my thoughts going back to an old belief, I stop them mid-track and immediately feel myself strengthening as the clarity of fresh energy flows through.
I think of this as working with
M I N D E N E R G Y.
I am feeling freer although this part of the track is pretty bumpy still.
