I keep telling myself when I wake up each morning that this is the day . This is the day that I will move on. This is the day when everything will be fine again.
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I am emerging from the parallel universe that is called “illness”. Nothing is quite the same when you are ill. You try to be the person you normally are, but when you don’t recognise the person in the mirror(due to chalky wraith-like features), it is a bit undermining to that air of sang froid.
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Christmas has disappeared; all that pizazz and cheeriness and homespun philosophy about the magic of a greater being are behind us. It is like one of these very important dreams that you have and you carry it around for days and it seems so real,then one day it has just disappeared from your consciousness as if it was never there. Such is the ephemeral nature of life.
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Spending three weeks in India just before Christmas felt wonderfully otherworldly.
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Autumn is all too quickly disappearing . It is very swift of foot, promising so much lustrous colour and then moments later, just as the wash of colour is intensifying, hey presto the canvas of tawny tones is whipped away with a flutter of leaves in a draught of wind. There they lie, these leaves now muddied and dried out, the bane of the gardener or street sweeper. Where is their glory now? Nevertheless, the trees stand noble and stark somehow beautiful as they arabesque their outline against the sky; changed but not chastened.
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I answered my mobile phone two mornings ago, seeing it was Moira , and gaily answered saying “Hello Moira”. “This is Donald “, came the reply, and immediately I knew this was not good. Donald is her husband. He proceeded to tell me how she had had a massive heart attack the previous evening and although he had carried out CPR as well as then the emergency services, she had not responded.
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The restless energy of last week has coalesced into an arc of sublime stability.
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A few days ago I found myself driving around the area of Banchory, in Royal Deeside. The area , especially on such a day when the sun accentuated the greens of the trees and hills all around, is spectacularly beautiful. I could see how this area must have appealed to Victoria and Albert, being so wild and far away from all the royal protocol of the time.. Because the road had so many twists and turns, I was driving more sedately than usual otherwise I probably would not have had the experience I did.
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I sat on the balcony looking up at the couple of birds swiftly fluttering their wings against the blue of the sky.
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You know what it’s like; when you are wholly at ease in the warmth of sunshine, you can’t ever imagine the chill of a grey day. So it is with the personal emotional landscape.
